


Never Again

by Mercy_Rhyne



Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide mention, bit of blood, implication of depression (and possibly anxiety), implication of self harm (possibly), really brief description of a corpse, slight gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 08:44:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12032295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: Roman intends to surprise his boyfriend, but when he arrives in his appartment, he is met with an unpleasant surprise





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Suicide mention, suicide, character death, angst, slight gore, blood
> 
> This was inspired by Cancer from MCR

Roman entered Virgil’s apartment with the spare key he had gotten and headed for Virgil’s room, intending to surprise his boyfriend. He had it all planned: they would have dinner - Roman had learned how to make Virgil’s favourite dish for this occasion. Then, after that, they would watch Nightmare before Christmas and Black Cauldron, Virgil’s favourite movies. After that, it would be dark and Roman would take his boyfriend to the park where they had met and where they would often go. There, he would propose to him. Roman carried the small box with the ring in his pocket and every time it would bump against his leg, the butterflies in his stomach started fluttering again. He wanted to spend his life with Virgil and he just hoped the other male felt the same way.   
But when Roman entered, he saw Virgil nowhere. He wasn’t sat on his bed browsing Tumblr, or on his couch, watching tv. Roman walked towards the bed and he saw a small note on top of Virgil’s laptop. His name was written on it in his boyfriend’s messy handwriting. It seemed messier than usual, though, as if it was written in a hurry. Roman’s heart started beating faster as he opened the letter and read it. 

_Roman,  
I love you. More than anything. I know I don’t say it often, but you deserve to know how much I love you. You’ve done so much for me in the past two years and I couldn’t be more grateful for everything. It hurts me to say that your love wasn’t enough. _

Roman’s heart stopped beating. It sank. To his feet and even deeper. He knew what was coming, but he had to read the rest of the note. As tears formed in his eyes, he read on:

_I am damaged. Badly damaged. I hoped loving you could be enough. It was enough for a while. But not anymore. I’m so sorry, Roman. You deserve someone better than me. Someone to sing along to Disney with, someone who wants to sing duets with you, someone who wants to go to musicals with you. I cannot be that person. I feel like I’ve stopped you from doing what you want and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed in your life. I feel like we’ve only talked about my problems in the past few weeks and I don’t want to bother you anymore. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore. You will never have to worry about me anymore.  
All I want for you is the best, Roman. I couldn’t give you that. I wish I could, and trust me: I’ve tried. But it’s just not me. I tried everything. I tried to love the things you love. I tried to enjoy your hobbies. I tried to love myself. But I couldn’t. I tried to hang on, for you. But I couldn’t. I would only stay alive for you. There’s nothing out there for me anymore. My hobbies don’t appeal to me anymore. My family is long gone. My friends don’t care. All I’ve got is you and the voices in my head. It just ain’t living. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve bothered you. You won’t have to deal with me anymore. Ever. _

Roman turned the page and tried to suppress his sobs. He couldn’t move. He felt like he was stuck in place, like his legs were paralyzed or turned to stone. His chest ached with heartbreak. He knew about Virgil’s depression, but he didn’t know it was this bad. Roman thought he was getting better. With a sigh, Roman focussed his eyes on the paper again. 

_You have been the light of my life. The best thing that has ever happened to me. But the days have gotten darker and darker. Your light isn’t just enough. I love you Roman, I really do. But the only times I’m really happy is when I’m around you and I can’t ask you to stick with me just so I feel better. I can’t limit you like that. I hope you understand. I can’t ask you to be around me forever, but I can’t ask myself to keep living for the few moments I’ll see you. The darkness gets darker and it’s harder to keep living. I tried Roman, I tried to hang in there but it’s so hard. You don’t understand how hard it is for me._

The handwriting got messier with every passing line and the paper was stained with a few drops of water - tears. If possible, Roman’s heart broke even more. 

_It’s so hard to say this, Roman. I don’t want to do this, but I’m not strong like you. I can’t defeat the darkness. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live. Anything is better. I’m so so sorry. I hope you’ll move on soon enough. You deserve happiness. I hope you’ll find your Disney prince one day._  
I love you, Roman. I love you so much. You don’t know how much I love you. Loved, by the time you read this. I wish I could stop myself Roman, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend for you. I wish I could have been the boyfriend you deserved.   
God, this is so hard. I’m so sorry, Roman. You deserved better than me.   
Before I go, I want you to know that I loved you more than anything in my life. You were always there for me when I needed someone to talk to and I appreciate that so much. I wish I could have been there for you too. I’m sorry that I wasn’t.   
The hardest part of this is leaving you. I’m sorry Roman, but I can’t do this.   
Love,   
Virgil 

As Roman finished the letter, he crashed on the ground and let out the sobs he’d been holding in. He knew he had to check on Virgil. With a lot of effort, he managed to stand up and he slowly walked towards the bathroom. He had reasoned that was where Virgil would be. With a pounding heart, Roman pushed open the door to the bathroom and his heart shattered as he saw him. His wrists were slit open and Roman could see a few cuts across his throat as well. That was all he saw before tears blurred his vision. Roman stumbled out of the bathroom and reached for his phone to call his best friend. He picked up after just a few rings.   
“Roman! Why are you calling? Did the date not go well? Or did you propose already?” Roman shook his head, knowing Patton couldn’t see him, as he tried to find the courage to talk. He already regretted calling.   
“Can I come over?” Roman asked in between sobs.   
“Of course!” Patton exclaimed.“Are you crying? What happened? Did he say no?”   
“I-it didn’t come that far,” Roman managed to say. “I’ll ex- explain later. Be there i-in ten.” He didn’t wait for a response, but he immediately hung up and rushed out of the apartment. He ran to his car and drove to Patton’s house, the tears in his eyes making is hard to see anything but the car’s headlights. All he could think of was his boyfriend. He missed him already. 

When he arrived at Patton’s house, the door was already open and Patton waited for him. He had heard how distressed Roman had sounded and knew something was wrong.   
“Roman?” He called as soon as Roman stepped out of his car. The latter ran towards Patton and wrapped his arms around his friend. Roman buried his face in Patton’s shirt as he cried. Patton slowly took a few steps back to lead Roman inside. He stroked his hair and rubbed circles on his back as his friend cried on his shoulder.    
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on now?” Patton asked carefully as Roman had calmed down a bit.   
“Virgil…” Roman looked at Patton as tears filled his eyes again, “he… he killed himself.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Roman burst into tears again and Patton wrapped his arms around him again. Patton led Roman to the couch and they sat down. They sat there for a long time. No one said anything, Roman cried and Patton let him. Patton was shocked, he was upset, devastated even. He knew Virgil well, but he didn’t cry. Roman needed someone to cry to, someone to listen to him, and Patton needed to be that guy.   
“I’ll go get you some water,” Patton muttered as he got up. He kissed the top of Roman’s head and walked to his kitchen. Roman didn’t move, he just stared at the wall in front of him as his head filled itself with memories of Virgil. Their dates, their stupid arguments. And he would never be able to add new memories. In time, his memories would fade and he would forget the way he smelled, the way he chuckled at Roman’s antics, the way his voice sounded, the way his arms wrapped around him when they cuddled and how safe he felt in those moments. That would never happen again. It was a chapter of his life he had closed. And over time, he would get over it, he would learn to deal with it and his memories would fade. But Virgil had left a wound on his heart that would never heal. It would scar, but it would never disappear completely. Virgil was the love of his life. And he was gone.  


End file.
